i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I wish there were birth control emojis
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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