if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
did i just pee glitter
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