I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
