Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
