So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
