I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
