i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
