Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
