I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
