I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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