My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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