I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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