I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
