White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Randomize
