best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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