The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
