3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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