Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
