I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
