no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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