batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
