I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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