The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You can't just leave with hair like that
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize