If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
