I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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