i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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