Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
