i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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