i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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