went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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