And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
