everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
