just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
