I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
