Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
