i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
