Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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