I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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