Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
