dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
