Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
