okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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