It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
