Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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