Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
