my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
