I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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