I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
