Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
