What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
