It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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