my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize