Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
only if we run a train.
done.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
