i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
