You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
