how can u be prego again
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
