There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
